Food Safety is a Myth

I am living proof that food safety is a myth. You name it, I have eaten it either on purpose or by accident. I have a stomach of steel and the discerning food sense of a billy goat.

I find it amusing and disturbing how people are so preoccupied with ‘sell by’ and ‘expiration’ dates. It’s all a hoax. I know someone who threw away a bag of baby carrots because they were ‘expired.’ I’m thinking, can’t you tell by looking if a carrot is rotten?  Was it juicy, stinky, moldy? No? Then eat it, don’t toss it. I was embarrassed for her. But she was probably embarrassed for me when I asked her, “You gonna eat this?” in reference to her yogurt, a month expired, in the fridge at work.  It was scrumptious. Just this week I used salad dressing that she would have tossed 14 months ago.

I thaw frozen meat (sometimes clearly freezer-burned), on the countertop overnight. I use a germ-ridden dishcloth instead of disposable wipes in my kitchen. I leave a stick of butter in the butter dish on the table without refrigeration, always. I’ve never poisoned a guest, and I’ve never been poisoned either. Maybe I've just eaten so much rancid crap that I am immune to food-bourne bacterias. Kathleen informed me this morning that a bunch of people got salmonella poisoning at a local restaurant. This is why she checks restaurants’ health department ratings online before she goes anywhere.

My friend Kathleen is obsessed with food safety. She can’t tolerate the fact that I don’t refrigerate my lunch at work. I bring it in a thermal bag, and it sits on my desk until I am ready to eat it. It could be leftovers, fruit salad, cheese – anything. I like to email her things like: “Turkey sandwich with mayo and week-old potato salad. Unrefrigerated for 5 hours. So tasty.” Her reply? “Why do you do this to me?” Kathleen gave me pink grapefruits last month. She received them as part of a Harry & David Fruit-of-the-Month Club two months earlier, and they had simply been around her house too long for her comfort. They were perfectly ripe and tart-sweet-delicious. Mmmm! She considers me a human garbage disposal for her outdated fruit. BRING IT ON! I also scored a pineapple, and became an instant advocate of fruit-of-the-month clubs everywhere.

Kathleen might stroke out if I told her that mom recently sent me to her basement freezer to retrieve black walnuts she shelled. The containers were labeled 1974 and 1978. She shelled them alright - during the Ford Administration. Regardless, we had fun baking a delicious black walnut cake, and nobody knew the nuts were as old as disco.