The Book, Chapter 2

Chapter 2
DATING: CHOOSING A MATE

Obviously there is no such thing as the ideal mate, therefore the Single Woman exists. Many people continue to ask us, “So why are you still single?” and to avoid a lengthy and exhausting explanation we often retort, “I just haven’t found the right guy,” when in reality, the right guy hasn’t found us. Why? Because the wrong guys won’t leave us alone.

There are many different types of men. The good, the bad, and the ones who continue to haunt our subconscious. Men also come in great variety, each with their own fortes and weaknesses.

The Innocent

This type of man appeals to our nurturing side. He is often younger than we are, and not yet jaded by the trials of life. We are attracted to him because we seek a softer edge. They amuse us at first, but ultimately we want to grab them by the scruff and shake sense into them. We want to scream that indeed he WON’T get rich selling Amway, and moving out of his mother’s house IS a good idea.

The Guilty
The Guilty Men are usually older than us, and often married. They are found in droves in the workplace. They seek to fulfill their own needs to be attractive and bolster wavering manhood. They achieve one of two reactions in the Single Woman: curiosity or disgust. If the man is attractive, curiosity results from the possible danger of the relationship, whether it be an illicit affair or to spark gossip among friends and family. The disgust reaction results toward the Guilty Man with the bad comb-over who winks and tells you he likes your dress, darlin'. There’s the coworker who runs into you in public, saying “I thought that was you! I recognized you from behind.” The Guilty Man may behave extremely inappropriately in a moment of frustration. For example, after happy hour with a group of other coworkers he may tackle you in the parking lot for a quick feel or persuade you to let him walk you home and then linger in your bushes when you reject his doorway advances. In any case, the Guilty Man is never a good choice because he is truly not interested in you but in himself.

The Desperate
Often times we don’t realize he is desperate until it is too late. The Desperate Man will bend over backward to charm, schmooze, flatter, flirt and pull out the stops just to get you to go out with him. Once this is achieved, however, we realize his level of desperation and wish ourselves elsewhere. The Desperate Man will tell you stories of playing paintball with his young nephews and expect you to take interest because it is his most interesting hobby. If he feels the date is going well, he will say that the moment should last forever, or that you are the moon and the stars. Although the Single Woman may appreciate this, the moment is always ruined by the broccoli in his teeth or the whitehead he hasn’t realized has boiled up on his neck.

The New Divorcee
Our hearts go out to the New Divorcee.  We want to comfort him in his recovery, but must be aware of assuming the role of the Rebound Single Woman. We are taken in by his woeful tales of cheating hearts and love lost. We allow him to cry on our shoulder, but we need to be strong and say: “Get a therapist.” This is ultimately what they need, and the Single Woman should never attempt to fill that role. If she does, once therapy with you is finished, so is the relationship. The New Divorcee with children is another story. Beware the man with a pregnant 15-year old daughter or full custody of his brood. The Single Woman is never ready for that, and guess what – neither is he.

The Idiot
This type of man differs from all the others because he briefly has us contemplating never dating again. The idiot is sometimes a stranger, honking and waving suggestively as he roars by on the highway. More often, he takes you to dinner and various racial slurs and homophobia surface at inopportune moments. He may make remarks like “you’d be sexy if you did some sit-ups”, or “Wow, you can drive a stick-shift?” The Idiot often surprises us by appearing normal at first and revealing his shocking idiocy after an almost-perfect date, or even after a string of successful dates. The Idiot may have stalking tendencies, like the neighbor who gets fed up with your “no thank you” refusals for a lunch date and leaves candles burning on your porch or cards on your windshield. He thinks he’s being romantic to win you, when in reality he’s just caused you to purchase pepper spray and keep it close.

The Bitter
The Bitter Man is resentful of secure, independent women. He proclaims to be a modern man, but truthfully seeks a woman who is needy, insecure, and assumes a mother-like role. When this does not happen, he becomes bitter. His mother is his version of the ideal female, and therefore no one else can ever quite measure up. No one can ever sacrifice enough for him, or treat him with enough respect or adoration. He truly does not want a partner, but a subordinate. The Bitter Man may be bitter when you meet, or evolve into a Bitter Man as the relationship continues. If the Single Woman is smart, it will not take her long to detect these qualities and she will bolt in a hurry.

The Almost-Ideal
This is the best type of man we can hope for. He is as close to perfect as we can expect – is polite, funny, has good hygiene and a steady job. Although he does not recycle, watches too much television, and vacuums his carpet yearly, he loves his mother but does not live with her. Sometimes we pick fights with the Almost-Ideal just to be sure he can fend for himself, but most importantly, they are our friends and we grow to love them dearly. We adjust to their imperfections, they adjust to ours.