What I Am Thinking During Yoga Class

Oh no, I am almost late and it's packed! Two spots left - do I unroll my mat up front beside the instructor, or back in the corner? CORNER, definitely. I need to be earlier next time so I have the option of strategic mat placement. Hiding is preferred.

Okay, all settled in. She has a voice for Public Radio - sleepy-soft. Oooooom. Tell me a story. Yes, release the tension. Oooooom. Spine straight. Unclench jaw. Palms up. Is this the same soundtrack as last time? Sam Smith, always Sam Smith. Lean to the right. I could do this at home. Why don't I do yoga at home?

Up. Reach reach reach. Swan dive into forward fold. Oh Lawd I need a pedicure. Pumice emergency. Up into Flatback. Chair pose. I wish I had an ass like the girl in front of me. Forward fold. HOW did cat hair get on my mat? Does the cat hair have to be EVERYWHERE? Flatback. Chair. She has a 25-year old butt. I have the butt of a 25-year old couch cushion. Forward fold. Should my knees be bent this far? Maybe I can just grab that snaggled toenail and rip it off. Nope. Seems attached. Pedicure.

Down to the mat again. Plank. I like plank. I like any position that does not involve bending at the waist. This is because I am shaped like an oak barrel which does not lend itself to comfortable bending or twisting. Lift arm and opposite leg. Balance. Am I the oldest one here? They are all so young this time. Where is that mid-50's couple? Switch sides. Balance. Good girl. Is this Stevie Wonder remade for yoga? Whose idea was that? I wonder if he knows. Stevie should never be imitated. Downward-facing dog. Must not fart! Pinch pinch pinch! Must! Not! Fart! Lift which leg? Good, that is helpful.

Lunge pose; hands on mat. My belly is in the way. Why is my belly always in the way? Chin buried in cleavage. What now? Elbows to the floor? Pinch pinch pinch. Reach through where? Oh!Oh! Am I supposed to get my shoulder on the floor? Twisted child what? I am so tangled - Oh! Oooooh this feels nice. I think I got it. But how am I going to get up?

Okay, back onto all fours. Cat, Cow. The yoga poses everybody can do. Her young butt is nice but Cow position in those tight spandex pants reveals ALL of the curves and folds of her undercarriage. It's a little upsetting, frankly. Cat, Cow-avert-my-eyes, Cat, Cow-avert-my-eyes. I am glad there is no one behind me staring into my couch cushion. Horrifying thought. Ease up. Ease? Herky-jerky yoga is more my style.

Oh God we are turning! NO NO NO NOW I AM IN THE FRONT AND IN THE CORNER FLANKED WITH MIRRORS EVERYONE CAN SEE ME NO NO NOOOOO. Oh, look at that - I am not the oldest one. Bonus! Turn feet, warrior pose. Triangle. Oh GOD my belly is like an accordian rolling and unrolling with the bending. Is everyone looking at my belly? Stay calm. Avert eyes in the mirror from the girl next to me because I have seen her spandex lady bits. Turn feet, repeat. PLEASE can we turn back around? I can't handle all these mirrors. Humiliation. Blind yoga. That's what I need.

Down to the floor. YES! Is this Hall and Oates? On my back. No one can see me now. Knees to chest. Grab ankles. Accordian belly pushes boobs into my windpipe. Yoga is for thin people. Release (but don't fart). Repeat. Corpse pose. Rest. AMEN.