The Book, Chapter 1

I got a text from Jo. It simply said, "Chapter 416: Beat Your Children Often." Since 1996, Jo and I have been writing "The Book." It started out as our own little Survival Guide for Women. I was going to write for The Single Woman, she would write for The Married Woman. Jo thinks we now have enough material for 3 survival books - Single Women, Married Women, and Raising Children. Of course she does not and never has beaten her children, but has thought about it. Often, apparently. Especially in their adolescence. Since it's been 20 years since we started The Book and we have pulled together half of 1 chapter, I think we need to get the first book written before we get lofty ideas about a trilogy.

When Jo and I met in 1996, we were from opposite worlds. Although we were both in our mid-20's, I left home for college at 18, had lived in several states and dated a spectrum of men. She commuted to college, never moved out of her parents' house, and married the only man she ever dated. She loved to hear my sordid tales of failed romances and bad dates; I loved to be with her family and loved being part of all their holidays, weddings and baby showers. I thought how nice it would be to have such a large, close family; she dreamed of how nice it would be to move away from them. We made a good pair then, and we make a good pair now.

Jo was there for the best of my Dating Years. She saw me date them all, from the high school drop-out Christian zealot who dropped to his knees in front of me to pray to God to ask for strength in avoiding temptation while we were making out, to the anesthesiologist who drove a convertible Porsche (which I mistook for a Mazda Miata, whoops) and called me "Doll." Her family tried to fix me up with every single man they knew, including Jo's brother. No thanks. Years before, in college, Lynn called me the One Date Wonder - I would date anyone, but rarely twice. Lynn warned me about Carl The Snarl, our dormitory Housing Director when we were sophomores. He flirted relentlessly until I finally agreed to a date. He picked me up on a motorcycle - surprise!!!- and drove us to a party while steering with one hand, caressing my bare leg with the other as I struggled to keep my dress from flapping off. It seemed I had a decent relationship once every 5 years, and countless dates with One Date Losers during the years in-between. I got married at 35.

Jo, on the other hand, grew up very rural, the youngest of five including two prim and proper sisters. By my worldly standards, Jo probably had slim pickins in the Eligible Bachelor department, but found someone who suited her. They moved from their parents' homes to a trailer in her parents' front yard as man and wife. Her mother-in-law treated her cooly, but Jo found joy in decorating her own place, invited me often, and believed in deep, undying love. She divorced his ass 10 years later. She remarried at 40 to the second man she ever dated, who had full custody of 3 children and an ex-wife who, let's just say, is in every way so very, very far from perfect.

Hence Chapter 416 will be Beat Your Children Often. Or Whatever You Do, Don't Remarry. In the early days, with limited life experience, our chapters of The Book were much more lighthearted before the realities of marriage, divorce, and stepchildren jaded us. Our original Table of Contents was this:

Section 1, The Single Woman
1. Mom's Couch: Not as Comfortable at 30 as It Was at 20
2. Dating: Choosing a Mate
3. What's Wrong with Everyone Else's Mate

Section 2, The Married Woman
4. How to Be Married to Another Woman's Son
5. How to Raise a Son Fit to Marry
6. Good Responses to "Are You Pregnant Yet?"

Section 3, The Childless Woman
7. How to Raise Children
8. How Other People Should Raise Their Children

Now we can add Chapters like:
9. Hope for an Arranged Marriage: Blame Your Parents When It All Turns to Shit
10. Men Are Useless: See Chapter 9
11. Divorce Solves All Your Problems
12. Food Solves All the Problems that Divorce Creates
13. Get a Personal Counselor: See Chapters 9, 10, 11, 12
14. Love Your Body but Tweeze Often
15. Widowed Mothers
16. Men Are Still Useless

Over the years, we have named a thousand chapters. We have a lot of work to do.