Summer Olympics Op-Ed

I love the Olympics. I really do. I love learning about the host country, watching the sporting events, and hearing the stories of the athletes' dedication, injuries, and success stories. I had a Dorothy Hamill haircut in the 70's and remember the excitement of the 1984 Los Angeles games when Mary Lou Retton's vault was awarded a 10. But here's what I don't get. Ping pong. Did the ancient Greeks deem ping pong so glorious that it should be included in their games?  The internet tells me that ping pong, or table tennis if I want to be professional about it, was not an Olympic sport until 1988. The games were in Seoul, South Korea that year.  Maybe it happened at the insistence of the host country, as it seems to be very popular among Asians. Not that you have to be Asian to play ping pong - excuse me, table tennis - but like the fields of medicine or fancy engineering, Asians are clearly better at it than everyone else.

And then there's Trampoline. Why is trampoline its own Olympic event? It seems logical to me that the trampoline would be an apparatus for gymnasts, regular gymnasts, but for some reason, they are separate at the Olympics. And by 'regular' gymnastics, I mean 'artistic' gymnastics, not rhythmic gymnastics. And rhythmic gymnastics aren't even gymnastics, they are dance. Why isn't dancing an Olympic sport? And where does synchronized swimming fall? NOBODY even knows what we are watching when that shit comes on. I'm secretly embarrassed for synchronized swimmers.If you are REQUIRED to wear nail polish and flamboyant water-proof make-up to win a medal, it's not a sport.

Even among the "real" sports, I get confused why all the events are necessary. Running includes 100 meters, 200, 400, 800, 1500, 5000, 10,000 meters all with or without hurdles for each gender. Add the team relays and marathon and steeplechase. Swimming is even worse with all the distances for each stroke style. It's dizzying. And all the heats and qualifying races - Lord, by the time I watch all the quarterfinals and semifinals and prelims and whatever, I am over it. I am asleep in time for the 10 or 20 second final relay at the end of the night where Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt are gilded and shown 400 times in instant replay replay replay replay.

And let's not forget how sexist the Olympic games are. Two words: Beach Volleyball. There's more crack at a woman's beach volleyball match than in a Colombian drug cartel. Are we not all wondering how those bikinis STAY ON? When Kerri Walsh Jennings dives, I am surprised EVERY TIME that her panties don't go flying into the stands. And why do women regular gymnasts - excuse me, artistic gymnasts - have 4 apparatus (apparati?) on which to compete and men have 6? Therefore the men have more opportunities to medal. I am pretty sure Simone Biles could handle the pommel horse (or trampoline) if given the chance, even if her heiney hangs out of her sexist glittery one-piece while Danell Leyva and the men's team get to wear shorts. Why do the women only have the heptathlon but the men get a decathlon? For the sake of feminism, let's equal things up a bit. We can do it, ladies!

If we did away with some events, we could add others like Dodgeball and Kickball. Dodgeball requires much more athleticism than pistol events or table tennis. If you are not going to make dodgeball or kickball Olympic events, why do they hammer them home in elementary school?  As Americans, we might be better off teaching trampoline in the third grade. Then again, maybe pistol and table tennis are more our speed because we can gobble McBurgers and fries during training.

And don't forget about the - wait! It's 8:00!  Prime time coverage is about to begin! It's time to watch. I love it. I really do. I wish there were 100 things different about it, but it's wonderful and exciting and emotional and educational and inspirational. The theme is playing! IT'S ON! IT'S ON! I CAN'T WAIT TO WATCH HANDBALL AND DRESSAGE!  Da Daaaaa Da Da Da Da Da, Dum Dum-Dee-Dum Da Da Da Da-Da Da Da......